Vampires Are Jerks, But We Love Them Anyway
This week we celebrate the 20th anniversary of Marvel’s debut vampire movie, Blade; the epic film combined three of our favorite things: comic books, vampires, and Wesley Snipes.
We know why we love comic book heroes and — well — Wesley Snipes was pretty cool in the 90’s...but why exactly do we love vampires so much?
We should hate vampires; they are the ultimate bully of the monster world. Vampires literally feed on your essence to survive. Plus, they really don’t get that whole personal space thing.
Other than maybe Count Chocula (he loves chocolate, he can’t be evil...), vampires are jerks.
Still, we continue to be captivated by them because they’re just that cool. In fact, they are the essence of cool! You never hear about someone getting less cool after becoming a vampire. In fact, most people become vampires and move up a few notches on the awesome scale. So, what exactly makes a vampire cool?
1) Capes (Nuff Said)
We’ve always wanted to wear a cape. People like Superman, Zorro, and Severus Snape wear capes. Plus, capes make everything classier. What would look good with your new boots? A cape. What would really spice up that dinner party attire? A cape!
Not only do vampires wear capes, but they somehow manage to look good doing it. If we tried to wear a cape in public, we’d just be laughed at. Vampires can strut their stuff on the cat walk; they can pull off frilly white shirts with collars, full leather body suits, and those weird giant medallion necklaces.
2) Work’s for Jerks (Unless You’re Dracula)
Vampires are immortal and are therefore excused from normal human activities, like getting a job. So of course they seem cool. Those bastards don’t have to work!
Okay, sure, it’s not like they are sipping coconut drinks on the beach all day (at least not during sunlight hours), but it’s easy to be cool when you don’t have to trudge to work every day, label your lunch in the office fridge, or confront the coworker who stole your stapler. A vampire who has to punch a timecard or carpool to work every day would seem less cool for sure. So, lucky for them, vampires are all independently wealthy!
3) Working on the Night Moves
Everything cool happens at night; all the best parties happen after dark, 24-hour diners serve delicious breakfast/dinner combinations (chicken & waffles!), and people let loose after a long day at the office.
Just imagine how much fun you’d have if you never slept. Plus, going out for a night on the town just sounds (and looks) way cooler than sitting at home wearing your bunny slippers and retainers.
4) Mirror, Mirror
In an ironic twist of fate, vampires are more attractive than any mere mortal; however, they can’t see themselves in the mirror. Rude.
Either way, whether a vampire is the mysterious bad boy or that weird sparkly dude in the corner, they are always attractive.
You’d think that no sunlight, a strict diet of blood, and sleeping in a coffin every day would make for one haggard monster; but somehow vampires look better on their 100th birthday than we did on our 21st.
5) Powers, Baby
Usually becoming a vampire also means you get powers like superhuman strength, enhanced senses, or the ability to read minds. So, rather than becoming a parasite on society, a vampire just gets better equipped to succeed in life. That's next level.
Sure, they have to drink blood...but they also speak like 50 languages, paint like Michelangelo, and can play every musical instrument ever made. That seems like a pretty awesome trade off to us.
So, although we should hate vampires (they’re really just jerks up in your personal space), instead they are the stars of our movies, our books, and we dress like them for Halloween.