The Tell “Tail” Pet: Why Our Cats Are Planning the Purrfect Murder
On August 8th — International Cat Day — people all around the world spoil their favorite felines with special treats, extra-long brushings, and a taste of that coveted tuna fish. However, underneath all the fluff and circumstance of the holiday (and all those adorable photos of jelly bean toes) hides a more sinister motive.
Don’t be fooled by those adorable creatures. Cats all around the world use the international holiday to lull their human captors into a false sense of security. One second we’re celebrating, and then the next our cat is ninja-ing out from behind the curtain. We love our cats but we never know what they’re really thinking. Do they love us? Would they — like Lassie — go get help if we fell in a well? Or did they push us down that well in the first place? Oh damn…they totally pushed us down the well.
Here are the top 5 reasons why we think our cats are plotting to kill us:
1) Sweet Dreams
We love when our cats snuggle up to us at night. It’s like winning first prize in a talent show. The cat chose us! We’re special! Then we are lulled to sleep by the rhythmic purring and the soft warm body curled up beside us. Except then our neck is exposed, and our defenses are down…
The cat might fall asleep on your feet, but when you wake up it’s always directly on your face, covering your nose. If they could fit their adorable jelly bean paws around the pillow, they’d smother you in your sleep in a second.
2) I Do What I Want
One of the reasons we love our cats is their fiercely independent nature. Tell a cat what to do? Forget about it! Still, it also means our cats love to challenge our authority. Every time your cat makes direct eye contact and then boldly knocks your water glass to the floor it’s pretty much saying, “I could destroy you.”
3) Hunting is My Hobby
House cats literally hunt for fun. They have an endless supply of cat food and treats (they’re practically just fat balls of fluff with legs) but they still love hunting mice, birds, and bugs. If a cat was bigger, there is no doubt that they would — just like in the cartoons — see us as a giant roast chicken.
4) Human, Pet Me!
There is no denying that cats are fickle. One second they love you, and then the next they’re swatting you away (even though they were desperate for love a second before).
You can pet them but only if you do it counterclockwise on every other Thursday. We love our cats, but they’re neurotic little things. If their adorable paws were any bigger, that swat would be one hell of a punch.
5) Grab A Shovel
We always thought that our cats used the litter box as a courtesy to our sensitive human sensibilities. What if they’re really just honing their burying skills for the moment when they need to dispose of our bodies? Oh my gawd! Maybe they’re even desensitizing us to the sound of the digging so that we don’t notice when our neighbors go missing. Fluffy never did like the neighbor, Barbara. Oh my god, we haven’t seen Barbara in days!
The truth is, we know our cats are probably trying to kill us, but we honestly don’t even care. Have you seen them? They’re adorable. We’ll continue to spend our entire paycheck buying them sparkly strings (that will be ignored for bread ties) or fancy cat food (that they will lick but never actually eat). Celebrate your own love/fear of cats with a funny DBH cat-inspired shirt today!