Shark Week: The Worst Kind of Shark is the Kind You Meet on Land
If you live every week like it’s Shark Week then you are going to be really excited on Sunday, July 28 through Sunday, August 4 because it’s actually going to be Shark Week 2019!
We think you should call in sick to work because you might just have a case of the blues (the deep blue sea, that is) and you’ll need to be able to watch all the new episodes like “Shark Trip: Eat. Prey. Chum” or “Sharks Gone Wild 2” while screaming and throwing things at your television.
And — if you’re a hardcore Shark Week fan like us — then you know that sharks are just misunderstood and they can actually be beautiful, intelligent, and docile creatures. The appropriately named nurse shark, angel shark, and whale shark are proof that some sharks are really just big ol’ softies underneath all that hype (and all those teeth). Something named after an angel can’t be bad, right?
In fact, we think there are way worse sharks out there than the ones lurking in the ocean! In honor of Shark Week, here are a few of the worst kind of land “sharks” we think you might want to avoid:
1) Ice Cold Bullies: San Jose Sharks
We understand that bugging a hungry shark is probably not the best thing to do on a Saturday night...
But, you know what’s even worse than bugging a shark? How about bugging the entire San Jose Sharks hockey team after they’ve lost a game and missed their dinner too?
Hangry hockey players will 100% fight you with their hockey sticks. And just remember that a real shark would never hit you with a wooden stick either... They don’t seem so bad now, right?
2) Jawsome Dance Moves: Left Shark
Although we all fell in love with the costumed backup dancer “Left Shark” during Katy Perry’s half-time show in Super Bowl XLIX, we can also appreciate that Left Shark really just stole the show and left everyone one else out in the cold.
All the dancing palm trees and giant beach balls on stage probably went home crying that night because the crowd only had eyes for Left Shark flailing and bobbing away to his own internal soundtrack.
3) Sleep with the Fishes: Loan Shark
You should actively avoid any dealings with a loan shark because they are way worse than any real shark you might meet.
Loan sharks usually mean a run-in with the mafia, some terrifying henchman, or a lifetime of paying back insanely high loans.
Plus, a real shark might bite off your finger for dinner or a tasty dessert, but a loan shark will cut off your finger just to make a point... Somehow that seems a lot worse.
4) You’re Not in Kansas Anymore: Sharknado
A shark on land is automatically way worse than one in the water because… the only explanation is it’s a sharknado!
What’s worse than combining a shark with a natural disaster? Absolutely nothing! What’s next? A sharkquake? Shark quicksand?
We’re all going to die.
5) There’s Just Somefin About Cheaters: Card Sharks & Pool Sharks
If you go up against a card shark or a pool shark, then you’re in for trouble. There’s no winning against either one of them because they’re known for being the best (or at least cheating or hustling to be the best) at pool and cards.
So, be prepared to visit a loan shark so that you can pay back all the money you are about to lose to these nasty pool/card sharks!
6) Between a Rock & a Shark Place: Shark Tank
Is there anything worse than a job interview? How about an interview for your dream job — in front of a panel of 5 cutthroat business tycoons — that is then broadcast across national television afterward?
Do you remember that one awkward answer where you started sweating profusely and then mumbled an incoherent answer? Of course you remember it because no one ever stops reliving that sort of thing.
Lucky for you though, everyone (you + the rest of the country) can relive it over and over again through reruns too!
A real shark doesn’t seem so bad now, right? A real shark just wants to hang out in the ocean, eating some snacks, and waving to surfers all day. In contrast, land sharks steal your money, hog the limelight, or beat you up with hockey sticks...
So, show all the real sharks just how sorry you are for misunderstanding them by giving your support with a funny DBH shark shirt or a classic Jaws tee today. Or, find that fin-tastic shark shirt to watch Shark Week in next week!